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Hi Aunt Vadge,
My girlfriend and I were both virgins, and we’ve had sex three times now. She’s never masturbated before, and all three times we had to stop because she was in excruciating pain. How do I fix this?
Best,
Concerned
United States
Dear Concerned,
First, the most important thing, and full marks for asking: sex isn’t supposed to hurt, ever, so the right move is to stop trying to have penetrative sex for now – because three excruciating attempts have very likely taught her body to brace, and pushing on just deepens that.
Nobody’s born knowing how to do this, and a woman’s body takes more learning than a man’s: her vagina, her clitoris and her mind all have to be relaxed and switched on together before penetration feels good, and right now, after three painful goes, fear and tension are stacked on top of inexperience, which all but guarantees more pain.
So the to-do list isn’t ‘try again, harder’ – it’s the opposite. Take penetration off the table entirely for a while and spend that time on everything else: kissing, touching, oral, hands, learning what actually turns her on with no pressure and no goal.
Encourage her to explore her own body on her own, too, because she’ll learn what feels good far more safely at her own pace than under the spotlight, and then she can show you.
When you do come back to penetration – only once she’s properly aroused and actually wants it – go slow, use lots of lube, let her be on top so she controls the depth and speed, and stop the instant it hurts.
If, once she’s relaxed, aroused and unhurried, penetration is still impossible or agony, that points to two very common, very treatable things: vaginismus (the pelvic-floor muscles clamping shut protectively) or provoked vestibulodynia (sharp pain right at the entrance), and a pelvic-floor physiotherapist is the gold-standard person to help.
You sound like a kind partner – the kindest thing you can do is take the pressure right off and make this about her comfort, not a milestone.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
