Aunt Vadge: we’ve tried sex three times and it’s excruciating for her

Hi Aunt Vadge, 

Me and my girlfriend were both virgins, and we have had sex three times now. She has never masturbated before, and all three times we had sex we had to stop because she was in excruciating pain. How do I fix this?

Best,
Concerned
Country: United States

Dear Concerned,

Sex is not supposed to hurt, ever, so you guys need to stop trying to have sex for the time being, because you are doing it wrong! The next thing on your to-do list is to learn how to turn your girlfriend on. Now that she’s had three excruciating experiences with you, she is going to be terrified of pain, and that is going to make her really tense on top of everything else.

Nobody is born knowing how to have sex, and women’s bodies are harder to figure out than men’s – a penis is so bleeding obvious! Vaginas and the clitoris and the mind all need to be working in harmony for a woman to be really ready for penetrative sex.

The most important thing is that you stop trying to have sex with her until she is truly ready. For her to be truly ready, you both need to learn how to touch her body to turn it on, so that her vulva and vagina plump with blood, her vagina gets really nice and wet, and she is fully turned on. Anything before that, and she is not ready for sex, period. So stop trying – you will just hurt her and make things worse.

So, schooling. You both need to sit down and read (together):

Additionally, it’s possible that she has structures in her vagina from birth that are blocking your penis, causing extreme pain. This could be a really thick hymen (you should be able to both see and feel this, however – it’ll be pretty obvious and nothing would be able to go inside her vagina) or what’s known as a vaginal septum.

Your girlfriend needs to investigate her own vagina, because she is the boss here, but if she has no idea what she is doing or feeling, how would she know what it’s supposed to feel like? It’s not just up to you to fix – this is her body, and she needs to be in charge of what happens to it, and take responsibility for her sexual learning in a healthy, happy, relaxed way – on her own as well as with you. Learning how to masturbate can be hilarious at times, but she should set herself some practice goals of trying to masturbate a different way once or twice per week. She can look up videos or tutorials online, use different objects, and delve deep. She has a lot of learning to do. Masturbating will eventually start to make sense for her, but she can’t direct you until she can direct herself.

Make sure every time you touch her body, it is with care and you ask her directly what it feels like. Talking about what things feel like, knowing she can say stop at any time and you will stop, and knowing that the point is for her to feel good too, are key components of good sex.

You are both learning right now, and it takes a long time to get good at sex, so take it easy, go slow, and you will both turn into fabulous lovers – but later on, after all the talking and practice! Talking and practice, talking and practice, talking and practice – do the thing, ask how it felt, do the thing, ask how it felt, do the thing… you get the idea. This goes for her too – she needs to learn how to touch your body the way that you like, so take turns. Playing around with sex should be fun and never, ever hurt, so with that in mind, go forth and get it on!

Write anytime.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge