Aunt Vadge: we were rough for my first time and I bled

Hey Aunt Vag!

So, two days ago I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. I basically lost my virginity. The sex itself was a great and pleasurable experience for both of us. Though it was very painful at first, the pain eased until it fully went in.

I would say for the first time that we did go quite rough, and when my boyfriend noticed I had bled a little we both thought it was best if we stopped, so we stopped. The blood that came out was weird it was kind of a small red-tainted string of mucous that came out. It was weird but I didn’t think much of it.

Later on I was just a bit sore but it wasn’t bad at all. Today, I can’t  stop thinking about that little bit of blood that came out, so I decided to do my own inspection and put a finger inside of me to see what was up and if everything was alright.

Well, when I put it in, my finger brushed my wall and I felt a lot of pain, and when I took it out I noticed some blood. It wasn’t a lot of blood, but just a bit. Something was obviously bleeding.

I’m very anxious and concerned and want to make sure everything is fine, because I do plan to have sex again with my boyfriend. Like I said, I did lose my virginity three days ago and we did go quite ‘rough’ and vigorous for my first time.

Yours sincerely,
Concerned
Age: 16
Country: Australia

Dear Concerned,

When you are first learning about sex and your body, it’s only natural that you’ll do it wrong. Usually, lots of times, before you get it right. Prodding (vigorously) a big hard-on into your vagina is a pretty delicate procedure – you need to have the correct angle, the right amount of lube, and you need to be pretty turned on for it to work well. And by working well, I mean feeling great and not causing damage.

First-time sex is confusing, because unless you are an accomplished masturbator, you don’t really know what you’re up to. Usually we experiment with fingers and objects, but a penis is a whole new ballgame, so to speak. Just learning how to receive part of someone else’s body into your own is quite the process, and one that guys never have to learn (except when they start learning about the joys of the butt!). You have to be in control of it and responsible for your own orgasm and body.

The bleeding was likely caused by being too rough. There is no need to be rough – your boyfriend needs to remember that his big hard-on is not the same as your vagina and vulva, and he needs to be gentle until you guys collectively get the hang of it. Sex is meant to be fun and feel good for both of you, but what can tend to happen is that without us stopping them, boys can get a little overzealous because it feels good for them. And we don’t stop them, because we don’t know what is meant to be happening or what it’s meant to feel like.

It’s important for you to be the boss of your own body, and don’t let things happen to you that cause pain (at the time or after). You’ll get the hang of this over time, and learn what feels good, and what results in swelling and bleeding afterwards (even if it felt good at the time). Not being able to walk because you got slammed too hard is no joke! And it happens when you don’t know your body’s limits. One of the issues is that pain and pleasure are not that far apart if you are turned on, so you can keep going through damage.

The cut will heal up, usually pretty quickly, and you’ll be fine. But, while it heals, don’t touch it! No sex, no fingering, no tampons. Just let it heal fully, then you can get back into it. That break while you heal up is one of the reasons to go easy when you’re first learning about sex, because it’s fun to have sex, and being out of commission because you both went to hard is dull.

Rules for newbies and sex:
  • Be gentle! You have no idea what you are both doing.
  • Do lots of non-penetrative sexy stuff – oral, hands, dry humping, whatever – sex is not just p-in-v action, and good sex includes lots of other stuff
  • Keep in communication during sex – does this hurt, does this feel weird, is this angle good, or should I try something else? You’re both learning, so learn! Don’t act like you know how to do everything straight away.
  • Remember that ‘good sex’ is not going to be yours for quite some time, so learn about your body, and masturbate on your own to see what feels good at your own pace, then take that to your boyfriend.
  • Remember that condoms need regular lubing, or they will give you a rubber burn – very painful
  • Use lube even without condoms, and learn when you need to apply more – dry(ish) sex also causes friction damage (spit is ok, but not always enough)
  • Remember that being fully turned on, wet and your vaginal and vulvar tissues being plumped with blood is the only time penetration should occur because otherwise you’re not ready! This is your hard-on equivalent, so learn about how big your clitoris really is and how it gets a boner.
Things you should read with your boyfriend/on your own to get across sex:

Happy banging and write anytime!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.