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Hello Aunt Vadge,
I lost my virginity recently and it hurt a lot – my boyfriend is well-endowed, so it was only the tip. Since then I’ve tried to take the whole penis but it won’t go, and I’m met with unbearable pain. All my friends seem able to do this and I feel left out.
My partner is understanding but I’m sure he’s disappointed. Please help. And yes, we use lube – but the lube burns too.
Yours,
Unbearably Pained
Age 19, Jamaica
Dear Unbearably Pained,
Let’s sort this out, because ‘unbearable’ is not how sex should feel, and there are a few very fixable things going on. The most common reason by far for early painful sex is simply not being aroused enough yet.
When you’re really turned on – not just ‘this is nice’ but hot, wet, the tissue plumped with blood – your vagina lengthens, relaxes and opens. Go in before that and it hurts, full stop. So step one is loads of unhurried warm-up – oral, hands, clitoral attention – every single time, and letting penetration take a back seat for a while.
The lube that burns is a real clue, by the way: lube should never sting. Two likely reasons – either the tissue is raw from the painful attempts so everything stings, or you’re using an irritating lube, with warming, flavoured or glycerin-heavy ones the usual culprits.
Switch to a plain, simple water-based lube (or a little coconut oil, just not with latex condoms) and let any rawness settle first.
If you’re properly aroused and gentle and it still won’t go, that’s the part the ‘just relax’ advice always misses, and it points to one of two very common, very treatable things: vaginismus, where the pelvic-floor muscles clamp shut protectively and involuntarily, or provoked vestibulodynia, sharp pain right at the entrance on touch.
Neither means you’re broken. The mainstays are gentle pelvic-floor relaxation and working up slowly with dilators at your own pace, and a pelvic-floor physiotherapist is the gold-standard helper. Exploring solo is really useful here, because you control the depth and speed – far gentler than a big heavy guy deciding when to thrust.
Start tiny (a fingertip, or a small dilator), well-lubed and aroused, and only ever go as far as feels okay – and please use your fingers or a body-safe dilator, not improvised objects.
As a backstop, if you can’t insert anything at all, ever, even alone, it’s worth being checked for a vaginal septum – uncommon, but good to rule out, though if you’ve used tampons fine before it’s unlikely. If you’d like to read together, our pieces on sex 101 and what first-time sex is supposed to feel like are both worth a look.
Last thing, and I mean it: please don’t feel you’re disappointing anyone, or measure yourself against your friends – you’ve no idea what their reality actually is. A good partner doesn’t want sex you’re in pain for; that’s not good sex for him either. Getting a penis in isn’t the goal here; enjoying your body, in whatever way works, is – and you’ll get there.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information based on current research and our clinical experience, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
