First-Time Fingering: One or Two Fingers?

Dear Aunt Vadge,

I would like some advice.

My boyfriend is going to finger me, but I have never been fingered before nor do I use tampons. He says he is going to use 2 fingers and my friends say 2 is sore. I’m 14 and will be 15 in April.

He is very experienced with this sort of stuff and has fingered lots of girls, while I don’t even finger myself.

I’m scared my vagina will be damaged or something like that and that it will be too sore, but I don’t want to pull out as I trust him, and I feel ready for this.

Do I use lubricant or what? Please prepare me for this as I’m a bit scared.

Sincerely,
Concerned Girl
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Hi there Concerned Girl,

You are embarking on your first sexual adventures! This is a very exciting and scary time.

It is important that we address a few of things clearly from the outset.

Two fingers are a lot

Two fingers are too much for me most of the time, and I’ve been doing this for 20 years. I would advise against using two fingers, dear, until you are really ready and willing to make such a commitment.

You don’t know what that means yet, so save two fingers for later. Keep in mind that nothing bad will happen to you if he does use two fingers, but you might find it uncomfortable, and yes, he could cause some damage.

It will heal. You won’t die. Promise. But, one finger will do for your first times.

He’s not an expert

Just because your boyfriend has put his fingers in other girls’ vaginas does not an expert maketh. He, my dear, has absolutely no clue what he is doing, which makes two of you.

He is probably more frightened than you are, since you expect him to be the expert – HE IS NOT. He may not know very much about the clitoris since it is harder to find than your vaginal opening. If he’s skipping straight to the fingering, he’s a learner driver.

Your hymen may still be there

If you have never been penetrated by an object or body part, you may still have an intact hymen, which may break and cause some pain and bleeding. This is normal but may be unpleasant.

Hymens are famous for not even existing by your age, but you won’t know until you try, so try.

If your hymen is intact and is going to cause pain and bleeding, you will deal with that when the time comes – if it is hurting you, make sure you stop. If your hymen has already disappeared (which is normal for your age), great, no problem.

On boys fingering girls

It takes a lot of practice and instruction to finger a girl right, usually with repeated, high-quality sexual experiences with the same person. Everyone likes it a bit different. It’s actually a very high-skill activity.

Fingering is the one thing that guys hardly ever get right, so instead of ‘letting’ him just poke at you like he might a frog with a stick, make the experience yours by learning about your own body and what is going to make the experience worth pulling your pants down for.

Get him to read this guide on the basics of bringing pleasure with his fingers. You should read this, too. It can be fun to read together, so you can discuss the points, disagree, agree, and laugh.

Being the passive recipient of a finger is, at best, boring, at worst, painful and bloody, particularly afterwards.

In the best-case scenario, you find yourself having fun and, at very, very best, have a very sexy experience. It is unlikely this fingering will be very sexy since it is your first, so you may as well make it fun while preparing for an underwhelming experience.

How to make your first fingering less underwhelming

Make out lots. Touch his body if you feel like it and see what he likes. Make it an experience you have together, not an appointment you have made to be fingered by him for the first time, like you would get a bikini wax.

You both have mixed feelings about this (scared and curious, yes, him too – ask him!) so make a joke about it and watch him melt with relief.

Laugh about it, do lots of kissing and do just a little bit of very soft, slow investigating using fingers, or tongues, or just a bit of dry humping, definitely using lube – water or silicone-based is fine – and get him to attend to your clitoris, not your vagina – yet.

Will a genie pop out if he pokes hard enough? Boys need help, and lots of it. They have no idea what they are supposed to be doing, so never, ever rely on him to know. He doesn’t.

He is just copying a film he saw, or what another boy said, or what some girl said felt good, and maybe it did, or maybe it didn’t.

The clitoris is huge

Your main sexual anatomy is not your vagina but your brain and then your clitoris, which is large and deep and pretty amazing. It’s like a spaceship.

Check out your clitoris and vulvar and vaginal anatomy.

What you need to do, Concerned Girl, is finger yourself

Masturbate. Touch yourself in as many ways as you can – fast, slow, firm, soft, use the bed, pillows, objects, whatever – and learn how to operate your own body.

How girls masturbate is a good basic guide. I recommend fingering yourself before he does so you know what it might feel like.

Teenage guys spend half their waking hours masturbating, so they know very well what they like early on – girls can be much slower. You have a long road ahead of you, learning what triggers you need to have a satisfying orgasm, so it’s time to get started.

Any guy that comes near you will appreciate the hard work you have put in because while there is nothing hotter than a girl who knows what she likes, our gentlemen callers simply don’t have a clue what to do with a real-life girl with high expectations.

Your sexuality is your responsibility, and only you can make sure it always feels good. This means any fingering needs to be directed by you, not the other way around, which means understanding your sex for yourself. You can do it!

Good luck!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

References^1,2

1.
Michels TM, Kropp RY, Eyre SL, Halpern‐Felsher BL. Initiating Sexual Experiences: How Do Young Adolescents Make Decisions Regarding Early Sexual Activity? J of Research on Adolesc. Published online November 2005:583-607. doi:10.1111/j.1532-7795.2005.00112.x
2.
Shandra CL, Chowdhury AR. The First Sexual Experience Among Adolescent Girls With and Without Disabilities. J Youth Adolescence. Published online May 11, 2011:515-532. doi:10.1007/s10964-011-9668-0