Aunt Vadge: my boyfriend can’t finger me without pain

Hi Aunt Vadge.

Last night I let my boyfriend finger me and it didn’t go deep; I didn’t let him, since it started hurting. His finger didn’t even go in properly, and he told me it was very tight, and I stopped him when it started hurting.

After I went home, my vagina started hurting so bad and there was a little blood in my panties, and I’m not on my period and wouldn’t be until next month.

Is it possible I lost my hymen? I have been fingered before, not deep or anything, but it never bled. What’s happening here?

Sincerely,
Hurting
Age: 21
Country/Area: Mexico

Dear Hurting,

It’s very hard to say why you have bled this time, but it’s definitely possible it was due to your hymen. It could also be due to your boyfriend being too rough with your vagina, and you not being turned on at all when he tried to put his fingers in you – your vagina is a very specialised organ that doesn’t work very well if you are not turned on. You can easily end up bleeding if you weren’t horny enough when your boyfriend tried to finger you.

What I suggest you do is do some practice fingering yourself, on your own, with some lube or coconut oil. Just go slow, and feel what your boyfriend feels when he fingers you – you need to know what’s going on down there before you can figure out why you might have bled, and also how to tell him what to do next time. You’ll soon know if there is some kind of blockage that needs looking at by someone. If you can’t finger yourself without pain, you may have an anatomical abnormality (like a septum) or a really thick hymen. It’s hard to know, but if you can gently touch yourself, while you are relaxed and feeling safe at home, it may just be a technique and turned-on issue.

You might also want to take a look at yourself using a hand mirror and torch – see if you can see how big your vaginal opening is and what you can see around there. It’s pretty interesting!

Do some reading, and get your boyfriend to read it too, and you’ll be able to navigate your vagina a bit better, and avoid bleeding. You may also like to read the hymen article, and skip to the bottom for instructions on how to slowly stretch out your hymen over a period of a few weeks, if your hymen still exists and is causing you problems.

If you can’t insert anything into your vagina, it could pay to go and be examined at a local sexual health clinic, just to make sure you don’t have something going on that needs addressing. Otherwise, this is just you leaning about your body and sex, and figuring out how your vagina works – they are all different!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.