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Hey Aunt Vadge!
I’ve been dealing with loads of pain during sex, and as slowly as I try to take things, I can’t bear the pain during penetration, usually stopping a few moments after he’s in. It started when my boyfriend and I first hooked up, after a long break (my ex made sex terrible for me).
He fingered me pretty hard, and although I couldn’t feel it at the time, I was bleeding quite a lot. We didn’t have sex for two months, and when we tried again there was less bleeding but intense pain, which has lessened but still persists almost five months later.
I feel like the lower-right side of the entrance was cut that first time, and it’s that exact same spot that hurts most during penetration. We’ve used lots of spit, oil and lube (water and silicone) but nothing helps – and it’s only the entrance that hurts; once he’s in, it feels okay.
Yours,
Sore Spot
Dear Sore Spot,
Five months of pain at one specific spot at the entrance – the same spot you think was cut that first rough time – is a really important clue, and it points away from ‘you’re just not relaxed’ and towards a recognisable, treatable problem.
When tissue at the vaginal opening tears (and a hard, not-aroused fingering session is a classic way to get cuts and tears from fingering), it can heal into a small, fragile spot that re-splits every time it’s stretched, so penetration keeps reopening the same fissure – which is exactly your ‘same spot, every time, no matter how much lube’ picture.
The other strong possibility, given how localised and persistent it is, is provoked vestibulodynia: pain set off by touch at the vestibule, the ring of tissue right at the entrance, where light contact triggers sharp, burning pain even when everything looks normal and you’re aroused and well-lubed.1
The fact that all the spit, oil and lube in the world hasn’t fixed it is itself the tell that this isn’t a simple dryness problem – and it fitting only the entrance, easing once he’s past it, fits a vestibule problem perfectly.
So this is one to take to someone who knows vulval pain, rather than keep pushing through – because pushing through actually trains the pain and the pelvic floor to brace harder.
A pelvic-floor physiotherapist is the single most useful person, assessing the muscles that clamp protectively after months of painful sex and gently down-training them, and a vulval-pain-aware gynaecologist can examine that exact spot, work out whether it’s a recurrent fissure or vestibulodynia, and look at contributors – one really overlooked one being the contraceptive pill, which can change the vestibular tissue and trigger this kind of entrance pain.2
In the meantime, stop having painful sex, because every painful go reinforces it; there’s nothing wrong with pressing pause while you get it properly looked at. This is common and treatable – you just need the right person, not more lube.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information based on current research and our clinical experience, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
- Akopians AL, Rapkin AJ. Vulvodynia: the role of inflammation in the etiology of localized provoked pain of the vulvar vestibule (vestibulodynia). Seminars in Reproductive Medicine. 2015;33(4):239–245.
- Bouchard C, et al. Use of oral contraceptive pills and vulvar vestibulitis: a case-control study. American Journal of Epidemiology. 2002;156(3):254–261.
