Aunt Vadge: my boyfriend split me fingering and now it always hurts to have sex

Hey Aunt Vadge!

Sorry about the length of this hehe. 

I’ve been dealing with loads of pain during intercourse and as slow as I try to take things, I can’t manage to bear the pain I feel during penetration (usually ending it a few moments after he enters me).

It all started when me and my boyfriend first hooked up. It was after a year-long dry spell (my ex made sex terrible for me so I needed the time off) when he fingerbanged me pretty hard, and although I couldn’t feel it… I was bleeding quite profusely! We didn’t have sex for a good two months after that (due to work) and when we finally tried to have sex again, there was less bleeding but intense pain!! which has lessened but still persists today… almost five months from our first time.

I feel like the lower right lip/side of the entrance was cut during my first time with him.. and it’s that exact same spot that feels the most painful during penetration. We’ve use lots and lots of spit, oil, lube (water and silicone) but nothing! Nothing is ever going to get into my vagina without me trying to hold back tears.

It is only the entrance of my vag that hurts. Once his tip is in, it feels really good but when he starts to thrust, my vaginal opening hurts so much! So I feel like either I have a very small vag that needs to be stretched or that its unusually dry for someone my age. Because… after a few painful days, my vagina kind of “opens up” and I can have sex with very little to no pain, but the moment we spend a few days apart! I’m as tight as a virgin.

It’s terrible and I know he feels frustrated, but he’s too wonderful to actually let me know if it does actually bother him.

He is a little rough, if I am being honest, and it does get a little too strong (both orally and penetratively), to the point that I have to ask him to relax. Honestly, I am worried that I have become too “vanilla” for him, I feel like I need the slowest, most softest, most boring sex in the world for me to feel good in bed….and that really bothers me. I don’t know what to do!

It’s come to a point that I am honestly afraid of getting fingered (even though I ALWAYS ejaculate when he fingers me).
I’ve even started to develop a muscle reaction whenever he tries to enter me and I do try to relax and he takes it quite slow as well… but the pain… sex is just not worth the pain for me, and I try to compensate with lots of oral, but I can tell that he’s getting tired of it.

My periods are regular, no STDS or thrush or anything, my libido is good but I’ve always had trouble orgasming without a vibrator (alone or with him)…. It’s really hard to feel turned on when sex always results in pain, and I honestly feel like I can’t handle this depressing sex life anymore!

There was this one time a few years ago, when I experienced my first boner (from unfinished oral), and even though I couldn’t actually end up cumming then, that was still the best sexual experience I’ve ever had! I’d just really love to be able to feel legitimately aroused again! It’s been soooo long since I’ve been really aroused and I think I’m going insane!

I don’t know what to do anymore! I’d love to hear any advice at all! I’ve been thinking coconut oil suppositories but…? Ugh I don’t know anymore!

Thanks for reading my rant.

Best,
Losing Hope

Dear Losing Hope,

You sound like you have vaginismus, caused by scarring from your overzealous bloodthirsty fingerbangin’ boyfriend. It may be that your vaginal entrance has one or both of two things happening: scar tissue has tightened the vaginal entrance so that every time you try to insert anything into your vagina, it hurts because it is literally now too small and has to resplit to allow anything in, and/or your vaginal muscles are involuntarily tightening up to protect you from someone who is hurting you repeatedly. So, you have two things to deal with here: your physical vaginal entrance plus your boyfriend’s touch.

A fingering that caused profuse bleeding is absolutely not acceptable, ever. Brutal. You mention that your boyfriend is quite rough – also not ok. Your body is delicate, and you’ve been hurt, so it makes perfect sense that you would need him to take it slow and gentle – that needs to be ok. Don’t worry about being vanilla – that’s not it at all. The reason he is getting laid at all is an act of deep generosity on your part – it is excruciating for you because of him.

You mention how nice your boyfriend is, which is great. He needs to slow up and be kind to your body. Your body is not going to relax until he shows it that he cares a bit more about how he touches you. This also means you need to get rid of any preconceived ideas about what ‘hot sex’ is for you right now (if it’s slow and gentle, then so be it), and understand that your body is sending you very clear messages about what you are doing to it.

You are the gatekeeper to your body, so you need to clearly and kindly retrain your boyfriend so that you can learn to trust his touch, always. He obviously has no idea how much the way he touches you hurts you – I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you, and wants you to enjoy sex as much as you can. That’s a reasonable assumption. Having the dirtiest gymnastics sex you possibly can will come back in time with trust, care, gentleness and some help from a professional.

While his touch is absolutely key to this, the second piece of the puzzle is that you sound like you have a physical impediment to penetration, which needs addressing so the rest can fall into place. I suggest you make an appointment as soon as possible with a pelvic physiotherapist.

They can examine you and tell you what is going on with your vaginal entrance, and give you some advice on methods you can try to relax the scarring permanently.

This might include the use of dilators, which are special ‘stretching’ dildo-like devices that are used regularly for a few minutes each day, starting off as small as you need, then gradually getting bigger and bigger. These devices are used in women with scarring, thickened vaginal and vulvar skin, and other conditions that result in a small, tight vaginal entrance.

You definitely need professional help with this – it’s not something you and your boyfriend can solve with kindness alone, despite how lovely that sounds.

The hot sex of your dreams will come, but you’ve got some work to do on your vag and with your boyfriend. It’s good to remember that many people have absolutely imperfect sex lives, and very few of us are having rockstar sex. In fact, you’d probably be relieved to know that most people deal with barriers to rockstar sex at least some of the time, if not all the time – people have libido issues, hangups, fears, dryness, tightness, pain, mismatched genitals, intimacy barriers, erection problems, surgeries, anatomical abnormalities, and funny smells, to name just a few.

Naturally you don’t hear about these, but you should know this is what goes on in other people’s sex lives, constantly, and you are not letting anyone down by needing attention and care for your individual needs. We are all unique snowflakes in terms of what we need, so don’t be shy about being clear about what you need. Just accept you are special needs at the moment, until further notice. I understand that it is frustrating, but it just has to be ok. Luckily, there is help available for you with physical therapists – you’ll be fine soon enough!

Learning how to be close to someone without rockstar sex is important to learn, because that’s really what this is all about. We like being near each other. Orgasm and ejaculation is great (obviously!), but learning how to teach and be taught is what makes a good lover. You need to teach your boyfriend how to touch you. Don’t accept less than that as an act of courtesy.

Write anytime.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge