Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Hi Aunt Vadge,
Two days ago my girlfriend and I got intimate. She was fingering me – outside at first, then she asked if I wanted her to put her fingers in and I said yes (I’m a virgin). It didn’t hurt at all the first time.
But a couple of hours later we tried again and it hurt. I tried lying down and sitting up, but it kept hurting, so we gave up. Why did it hurt the second time and not the first?
From,
A.
United States
Hi A,
Nothing’s wrong – this is one of the most normal things in the world when you’re new to this. The simple answer is that the first session left the tissue a tiny bit tender, so the second time it was sore.
A couple of things cause that: the vaginal entrance can still have hymenal tissue that fingers gently disrupt – often you don’t feel it at the time, especially when it feels good, but it can sting later1 – and fingernails or an awkward angle can leave tiny scratches you don’t notice in the moment but that smart on the next go, just like any small graze.
To make round two feel good rather than sore: lube, lube, lube – a water-based one (or a little coconut oil, if no condoms are involved) stops dry fingers dragging on delicate skin2; short, smooth nails on whoever’s doing the fingering; and get really turned on first, because the part most people don’t know is that when you’re properly aroused the tissue swells with blood, and that blood acts as a cushion, so there’s far less chance of soreness than when you’re only mildly into it.3
And give tender tissue a day to recover before going again, rather than straight back in a couple of hours later. One more tip: exploring on your own is a brilliant way to learn your own edges – how many fingers, what angle, what feels good versus sore – and then you can guide your girlfriend, which makes it better for both of you.
There’s more on why pain after fingering happens, and on cuts and tears from fingering, if you want it. Happy (and gentler) fingering!
Best,
Aunt Vadge
- Mishori R, Ferdowsian H, Naimer K, Volpellier M, McHale T. The little tissue that couldn’t – dispelling myths about the hymen’s role in determining sexual history and assault. Reprod Health. 2019;16(1):74.
- Herbenick D, Reece M, Hensel D, Sanders S, Jozkowski K, Fortenberry JD. Association of lubricant use with women’s sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: a prospective daily diary study. J Sex Med. 2011;8(1):202–212.
- Levin RJ. The physiology of sexual arousal in the human female: a recreational and procreational synthesis. Arch Sex Behav. 2002;31(5):405–411.
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
