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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I’m a virgin and ready to have sex with my boyfriend. The only problem is we don’t know what to actually do. How do we insert his penis in me? What should we talk about (or should we be talking at all)? Is foreplay important, and if so, what should we do? I’m on the birth control injection and we’re planning on using a condom.
Sincerely,
Scared
Canada
Dear Scared,
All good questions! Learning how to have sex is really learning what feels good, and what doesn’t, with the person you’re with – which means lots of talking and lots of happily mucking about trying things out.
So before any penis goes into any vagina, dial it back a little and work on getting both your bodies ready, and that means being turned on – properly, really turned on.
If you try to put his penis in now, cold, it’ll most likely hurt and you won’t get much from it, because penis-in-vagina sex takes far more preparation than we’re ever taught. Both your pleasure matters, and there’s no point attempting it if one of you isn’t feeling horny enough to make it worthwhile.
One heads-up: you may still have an intact hymen, so it’s worth reading about the hymen and following the gentle stretching guide at the bottom of that article, so it isn’t a painful impediment when you do get to penetration.
I’d really read a few guides together first – take turns reading them aloud and chatting as you go: our pieces on oral sex on a woman, fingering basics and sex 101 are the three to start with.
And in the meantime, fool around tons: kiss, lick, suck, fondle, talk, and laugh, because early sex is awkward and often pretty hilarious, and the less seriously you take it the faster you’ll learn what’s hot and what’s not.
To the mechanics, though, since you asked. When you get to penetration it’ll feel clearer than it does now, because you’ll have explored your own body by then.
Your vagina angles back towards your lower back, and when you’re very turned on and he’s fully erect (both essential), condom on and everything lubed – your vagina and his penis – the easiest position is usually you on top.
He lies on his back somewhere comfy, you straddle him kneeling so your weight’s on your knees rather than on him (that’s what gives you the control), and you use your hand to guide the tip of his penis to your vaginal entrance.
Make sure it’s slippery – never put anything in dry; wet is the whole game, slippery not sopping – and don’t skimp on good condoms and a good water-based lube (skip spermicide, and only water-based with latex, not oils like coconut). Then lower yourself onto him a little at a time, and if it hurts, back off.
Leaning forward or lying onto him as you go presses your clitoris against his body and pubic hair, which you want, because the clitoris is your main event and sex feels boring if it’s left out. Because it’s all so new, you might just attempt the mechanics of getting him in this first time and save the really horny sex for later.
Slide on bit by bit until he’s all the way in; if he feels big and it hurts, stop, relax, take it slow, and if he loses his erection that’s completely fine – pause and try again shortly.
Keep early sessions fairly short, around ten minutes while you’re learning, because nerves dull after a while and a drying condom starts to hurt, so keep topping up the lube. On top, you’re in control the whole time – and keep checking in with him too, so he’s enjoying it and you’re not hurting him.
Which answers your second question: talk all the time. Keep checking in, even when it feels annoying or awkward, never assume something feels good without asking, and never be shy to say if something hurts, even if he seems to be loving it – you both need to be having a good time, and if sex hurts, you’re doing it wrong.
And on foreplay, the reframe worth having early is this: the things we call ‘foreplay’ – kissing, touching, fingering, oral – aren’t a warm-up act, they’re sex in their own right, with or without a penis ever going near your vagina, and thinking of them as just the bit before the ‘real’ thing is the difference between okay sex and great sex.
Your time together isn’t about you orgasming or him orgasming; it’s about having fun and connecting, and yes, orgasms become a lovely part of it (yours will probably take a lot longer than his), but don’t make them the whole point of every encounter.
Learning to orgasm will take a bit of homework from you too, which means it’s time to start masturbating – if you don’t know what you like, how can you teach someone else?
He’s certainly doing it, and you can be too; it takes some of us a while to learn, but it’s well worth it, and our guide on how girls masturbate is a good place to begin. Have a great time, and if you hit a sticky question, write back any time – it’s what I’m here for.
Best,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
