A Gay Mans Emotional Experience of Vagina
Welcome back. In the first installation I reminisced about the physical elements and the differences between the worlds of vagina and cock, however, with every physical experience comes an emotional journey. I have a lifetime of gay interactions which were, in my experience, accessed with ease and could be perfectly lustful, without even an exchange of names.
When I imagined losing my straight virginity, images of an emotionless one-night-stand came to mind. I never entertained the idea that the interaction would be an extended affair with someone that I actually cared a great deal about.
I can only imagine from her perspective how the experience was, to meet someone who you have such a connection with, who expresses interest in sex, who flirts with you, who leads you through an Argentine tango, who you share dreams and thoughts with, who then explains that the sex that you have been having is not right and that it cannot continue, leaving the situation as an edited, incomplete version of which you had. Meaning, my being gay was ultimately wrong in her view.
I wish that the sex would have been compatible. It may have been something that grew more beautiful and into a long-term thing, however I could not deny what was: two incompatible worlds colliding in a spectacular emotional and physical meeting, one that unfortunately could not continue in its current form. I owed her that much to communicate this.
Many a tear was shed through discussing and negotiating a way in which we could remain in each others lives, in whatever form that may be. With a fixed determination on her behalf that the sex could work, this become increasingly difficult. She informed me that she had been reading blogs about gay guys who have sex with women, suggesting that I might want to engage with these forums. There was even a suggestion that I solicit the help of a therapist to assist me to ‘work through my difficulties’. At this point, images of Catholic priests assisting me to exorcise my homosexual demons sprang to mind.
I must add at this point, one big shock to me was her intention to have unprotected sex. This in itself blew my mind. Being of the gay persuasion I have never once in my life had to consider that I would get someone pregnant, least of all unintentionally. All of these previously non-existent anxieties erupted in a wave of nausea and she was met with a very firm ‘are you crazy?’
Throughout this experience I found myself transported into a brave new alien world. A world of scented-paper love letters, jealousy, talking about feelings, and flowers in my hair. All a little more fluffy than the man-on-man interactions of my previous vagina-less existence.
Over the years I have become skilled in leaving experiences where they are, being grateful that they happened and not necessarily sad that they were over, however on this occasion I could not help but consider what might have been, if vagina had worked out better for me.
I finish this tale, with how it currently stands four months later. The woman that had such a big impact on my life, the one who I chose to explore this area of my psyche with, the woman who turned my world temporarily upside down, is no longer in communication with me. This in some ways could be viewed as sad, but also there are some things that are better left as they are: a complete, thought provoking, insightful experience that adds to the rich tapestry of life.
Thanks for reading.
Your intrepid explorer,