Solving Post-Sex Pain and Bleeding: A Guide

Dear Aunt Vadge,

Last night I ended up having sex with my not-yet-boyfriend. It was the first time we have romped together. Mind you, I am not a virgin, either, so what happened concerns me.

He started fingering me, and I realized he got a little rough and went too hard. It did NOT feel good and I told him to stop. I went to the bathroom immediately and peed, and it burned! I noticed I was a little puffy as well, and then, to my surprise (well not really), I had bled a little bit.

Now I have noticed before with my ex-boyfriend, who I have not been with in over a year, this same thing happened with him. I used to bleed sometimes if he got too rough.

Now I am worried I cannot have normal sex, I am 23 years old and I get very nervous I will end up hurt somehow and sometimes just try and skip over having sex.

What could be happening?

Yours,
Curiously Fingered
Age 23, USA
————

Dear Curiously Fingered,

Thank you for your lovely letter. You seem to be having some kind of misunderstanding with a penis or a finger or two.

First things first.

If sex (which includes fingering) hurts or causes bleeding, you’re doing it wrong.

The solution to your problem of bleeding and swelling up after being fingered or having sex is going to be making sure you are very turned on and wet before you or a lover penetrates your vagina and that you are physically enjoying the entire experience. I cannot overstate this.

A vagina is designed to be lovingly made swollen and sopping wet before being penetrated (not swollen from damage and wet with blood). Vaginas need to be coaxed into action, swollen with blood, juicy, ready to be entered. Then you can go in.

Tips and tricks

Look at the Vag Basics diagrams so you know what your anatomy looks like (and how big your clitoris really is!)
How girls masturbate
Learn about the female sexual response
Sex 101
Oral Sex
Teach him what to do with his fingers – Fingering Basics

How to stop the damage from occurring

The only way to stop this bleeding and pain and the unpleasant experiences is to learn what makes you wet. Hot. Sexual. Your swollen vaginal tissues protect you from damage by offering a buffer of juice and plumped tissues.

Figuring out what makes you hot and wet takes experiments both with and without your lover. It sounds like he could use a bit of help, so maybe try some non-penetrative sexscapades such as oral sex.

Go slow, put yourself in the role of student, and don’t pretend you know what you’re doing all the time—the bleeding and pain suggest you are not sure.

While you are learning about each other’s bodies, don’t penetrate your vagina until you really, really want it. It then becomes his job to tease you by not giving it to you, and when he eventually fingers or penetrates you, you will be deeply impressed. Promise.

This extra playtime – foreplay – also increases your chances of orgasm to over 80 per cent (20 minutes of foreplay equals an 80 per cent chance of orgasm; less means just a 20 per cent chance).

Vaginas are not the same as penises

The trick to vaginas is coaxing. Vaginas can be far slower to full arousal than a penis so stop comparing them! You are not built that way.

Allow and insist on at least 20 minutes of non-penetrative sex play (foreplay) before anything – penis, finger, hairbrush – goes inside of you. If you do it too soon, you risk wasting the nerves that are firing and making it boring.

Once you and your lover – boyfriend or not – have mastered making your vagina nice and slippery and swollen, proceed however you see fit, fingers and all.

Your body is set up to be fussy about who it lets inside you, which is why women are thought to be ‘tricky’ or ‘complicated’: we can be tricky if you treat us all the same because we’re all different!

Figuring out what turns you on is therefore a job that you must begin as soon as possible, otherwise bad sex will be the millstone around your neck like so many bloody tissues.

Learning about your body takes time

Your job, sweet miss, is to learn how to get yourself off. This needs to happen by yourself. Pick a moment when you feel a little dirty and give yourself some privacy and play around to see what feels good – soft, firm, fast, slow, medium, a combination; do you prefer silky knickers and a pillow, or a dildo, or a small vibrator, or nipple-play, or what?

There is no magic formula, so you need to start the process of finding your own.

This self-love exercise aims to find out what you like so that when your lover touches you, you have something to say on the matter.

With much kindness and best wishes,
Aunt Vadge

References^1,2

1.
Woods JL, Hensel DJ, Fortenberry JD. Gynecological Symptoms and Sexual Behaviors among Adolescent Women. Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology. Published online April 2010:93-95. doi:10.1016/j.jpag.2009.06.004
2.
Forsyth S, Rogstad K. Sexual health issues in adolescents and young adults. Clinical Medicine. Published online October 2015:447-451. doi:10.7861/clinmedicine.15-5-447